


A New Feel (I've been thinkin 'bout forever)

by targaryen_melodrama



Series: This is Life (You Showed Me Love) [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: (Main Pairing is SamSteve btw), (thanks to my beta for that comment-it really applies), Angst, M/M, Multi, POV Steve Rogers, Pining, Pre-OT3, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve u disaster, introspection goes a long way Cap
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-17
Updated: 2018-11-17
Packaged: 2019-08-24 16:38:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16643840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/targaryen_melodrama/pseuds/targaryen_melodrama
Summary: Steve hates it. Hates that he can see the change in Sam’s body, that he can see the way he's transitioning from civilian to soldier.Hates that he’ll never know if Sam Wilson Steve Rogers’ friend could’ve ever been Sam Wilson, Steve’s fella.





	A New Feel (I've been thinkin 'bout forever)

**Author's Note:**

> First and foremost, thank you to my wonderful friend and beta, who gives me compliments even though I'm horrible at receiving them. 
> 
> This is a prequel to In the Depth of You. I kept thinking of that part where Steve says he got into a fight with Bucky when Bucky asked Sam out. I wanted to write about it and then...this happened. 
> 
> It's not necessary to read the previous fic to understand, but for context: Steve and Bucky were together before the ice/Hydra etc and they get together with Sam in the 21st century. This is the story about how Steve and Sam got together, and refers to Sam and Bucky getting together as well.

The others don’t really understand. They have friends, families, loversーallies at the very least. No matter how twisted the world they know is, it’s theirs and theirs alone.

None of them understand what Steve is going throughーand secretly, Steve doesn’t think they really care to. So Steve rationalizes that it’s totally, _completely_ normal to follow the cute guy he’s seen jogging on his route for the past few days. He’s _allowed_ to form new bonds and friendships. It’s probably _healthy_.

And because Steve has always, _always_ pushed, he also convinces himself that buying a smaller workout shirt for his jog the next day is an okay thing to do and that _on your left_ is a normal, _21st century_ way to start conversation.

(It’s also the only thing Steve was able to push out of his mouth after spending 3 full minutes staring at the guy’s ass.)

It works. It starts a conversation, it starts _something_ , and that’s what counts.

*

“Who was that?” Natasha asks, as she’s speeding down the highway.

“No one.”

Steve can feel her eyes on him, but he doesn’t care. Sam is...Sam is his. At the thought, his cheeks warm up, and _congrats Rogers, now she knows exactly how you feel_ , but he still won’t say anything.

“Doesn’t seem like no one.”

“Doesn’t seem like it, but it is.”

He and Sam had had _one_ real conversation, Steve had _one_ good look at that gap in his teeth, and he doesn’t even know if he’ll ever see Sam again, butー

 _He’s mine_.

***

Steve realizes he’s in over his head when he accepts Sam’s invitation to dinner.

Well, that’s a lie.

He knew he was in over his head the second he made up his mind to actually go to the VA, when Steve usually avoided public places, especially places like these. Places for people like him.

But Steve hadn’t seen Sam in a few days, and he didn’t really have anything better to do, and Sam had _said_ to come around, so...he did.

Steve had shown up, and Sam had taken his breath away. He’d seen Sam effortlessly give the type of help that Steve could only dream of giving, as warm, and kind and useful as a counsellor could be. And when Steve said he didn’t actually know what made him happy, and Sam had suggested they start with dinner, it was a no-brainer.

“What’s going on up there? Too many options? I can help with that.”

“No, uhーno.” Steve folds the menu and puts it back on the table. “I’m justーI’m glad you invited me.”

The low light of the restaurant is doing wonders for Sam’s skin, so when Sam’s soft smile turns into a grin, Steve’s hands tighten around themselves where they’re folded on his lap. “My pleasure. You don’t seem like the type of guy who goes out a lot.”

Under any other circumstances, that would stingーat least a littleーbut Sam is still smiling, and there’s no way Steve can be offended at anything he says when he looks like that.

“I don’t.”

“Nothing you like to do?”

“You could say that.” Steve waits a beat, waits for his body to grow stiff as he gets ready to tell the truth. The discomfort doesn’t come. “I, ah, don’t have anyone to do it with.”

Sam pauses a second and Steve thinks he’s gonna ask about Steve’s team, but he just nods. “Yeah, I feel that. I’m just getting started in DC, and my sister’s back in New York. Sometimes I treat myself and go to the movies or to a bar alone, but it’s not the same.”

“It isn’t the same. And it somehow feels worse now,” Steve finds himself saying. He had no intention to go that route, but Sam looks interested, so he has to finish his thought. “I mean, there’s a thousand things to do, there’s always something going on and I can actually do most of them now. I don’t have to worry about my health, or my mom, orーor anyone,” he says quickly, before he can linger on the person he didn’t mention. “I always feel like I should be doing _something_ , but it’s hard to do when I have no one to do it with.”

“That makes sense,” Sam says, nodding again. “But I’m also tired of pressuring myself. Tired of feeling bad for being tired and just wanting to be at home. IーI like being at home.” Steve nods, though he has no idea what that feels like. “I’m actually thinking about getting a cat. That way even when I stay home doing nothing, I’ll be doing nothing with someone.”

 _Huh_. A pet. Steve hadn’t even thought of that. He’d been allergic to dogs and cats as a kid, so that it was obviously a no back then. But now…why not?

“I meanーit’s a huge commitment,” Sam adds. “But I think I’m ready.”

 _Oh_. That’s why. Steve would never have the time to care for a pet, not the way his life’s currently going.

“I don’t think I could manage that just yet,” Steve says fighting to hide his disappointment. He really shouldn’t be feeling that way considering that 30 seconds ago, the thought of having a pet had never crossed his mind. _Get a grip, Rogers_.

“That’s goodーthat means you get to be my cat sitter.”

“Your what now?”

“My cat sitter. Whenever I’m out of town or something, you get to come watch my cat. It’d give you something to do, and that way we could both pretend we have social lives.”

It takes all of Steve’s restraint not to thank Sam for the opportunity to catsit the cat Sam _doesn’t own yet_.

“It would get my friend to stop trying to set me up on dates, too,” he says instead.

Sam grins. “If I name my cat right, you could even pretend it’s a date. Tell your friend you’re spending the evening with Marcus, or Henry, that should do it.”

This time, the words slip out of Steve’s mouth before he can stop them. “You’d choose your cat’s name just to help me out?”

Sam looks down at his hands for a moment, and Steve feels like the biggest fool in the world. “Yeah,” he finally says, shrugging. It’s this close to looking casual. “And if calling my cat Belinda helps Captain America, it’s the least I could do.”

“I really appreciate it,” Steve says. And he does. More than Sam needs to know. “But Sam?”

“Yeah?”

“Please,” he says with his best Cap face on, “don’t name your cat Belinda. It, ah, it was my mother’s first name.”

“Shit,” Sam says, eyes wide. “Steve, I’mーwait.” His eyes narrow. “Wasn’t your mother’s name Sarah?”

Steve can’t hold back his grin.

“You think you’re being funny.”

“I _know_ I am.”

Steve tries not to think too hard about how beautiful Sam looks even when he rolls his eyes.

(He fails.)

***

Steve has been staring at the still water for almost an hour now, but he can’t unsee it. Unsee _him_.

The eyes Steve had seen a thousand times, the face Steve had sketched a hundred times... blank. Completely and utterly blank. Unreadable. No sign of life, no sign of recognition, nothing.

Steve had been walking around feeling sorry for himself when Bucky was aliveーBucky had been _taken_ and _ruined_ andー

Fuck. _Fuck_. This right here. This is the worse side effect of the serum. Steve always bounces back, has bounced back for the past two years, so he’d forgotten.

Forgotten what it feels like to constantly have the rug pulled from under him, forgotten to always be on guard. Forgotten to always wait for the other shoe to drop.

“You couldn’t have known.”

A huge sigh leaves Steve’s lips. “Does it matter?”

Steve’s apartment had been shot up, Fury was dead, Natasha was in the picture again, and Steve had found a way to drag Sam into this mess.

“It does. You started fighting the second you woke up in the future, away from your friends and awayーaway from your partner. You couldn’t have known. The most powerful organization in the world didn’t want you to.”

“You can still walk away if you want to,” Steve says even though he knows it’s useless. He doesn’t know Sam that well yet, but he knows enough.

“I’m not walking away. You need my help, Steve, and I’m going to do what I can.”

It’s different from _Captain America needs my help_ , and when Steve turns to look at Sam, he feels his heart squeeze in his chest for the thousandth time today.

Steve hates it. Hates that Sam Wilson who has a sister in New York, Sam Wilson who likes watching Saturday morning cartoons and wants to adopt a cat is involved in this. Hates that he’ll never know if Sam Wilson Steve Rogers’ friend could’ve ever been Sam Wilson, Steve’s fella.

Hates that he can see the change in Sam’s body, that he can see the way he's transitioning from civilian to soldier.

For a half a second, Steve remembers how good he’d looked in that restaurant, the joy he’d felt when Sam had said he dated men.

Steve shakes himself out of itーhe doesn’t have the time to mourn.

He’s been mourning for too long anyway.

***

“I think this one’s a bust, Cap.”

Steve takes one last look at the half-destroyed Hydra base. “Think you’re right. I’m gonna finish up here and evacuate through the northernmost exit in two minutes, think you can come pick me up?”

“Be there in two, when you’re ready to _evacuate_.”

Steve cracks a smile despite himself. By _evacuate_ , Steve means jump out of whichever exit was furthest from whatever explosives he’d set up behind them. “Thanks, Falcon.”

“You got it.”

As promised, Steve’s jumping out of a window 120 seconds later and as always, Sam is right there to catch him. The second they’re safely on the ground, Steve texts Natasha to update her on their progress (though progress is not exactly the word Steve would use to describe what Sam and him have been doing), then turns to Sam.

“Ah ah ah,” Sam sing-songs before Steve can even open his mouth. “Unless you really feel like emptying out your wallet again, no apology.”

Steve sighs and rubs a hand over his eyes. “You’re right. I’m sorーI mean, I, uh, I’m so looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow morning.”

“Uh huh. Nice save, Cap. You can apologize to me by driving us home. I don’t think I have it in me tonight.”

“Of course.”

It’s the least Steve could do. After finding Sam at his bedside at the hospital after fighting Bucky, Steve had started to think that maybe, _maybe_ Sam really meant it when he offered his help. And Steve’s working on feeling less guilty about taking Sam’s help, but it’s getting harder and harder.

In a week, it’ll officially be four months. Four months of leads and blown up bases. Four months of worrying about Bucky. Of feeling him like an ache from an injury that never really went away.

Four months of his feelings for Sam growing and growing, slowly, but oh so surely.

 _God, I’m a fucking mess_.

“If you’re done with your third guilt trip of the day, we could get going? I really need to clean up andー” Sam takes a step towards Steve and sniffs the air around him “ーso do you.”

“It’s not that bad. Is it?” Steve turns his head towards his armpit andー _shit_.

“Yeah,” Sam laughs. “Let’s go home, Cap.”

*

For the past few months, home has been a few motel rooms, some worse than others. Cliché as it sounds, even the horrible ones weren’t too bad with Sam there to share them with him.

The one they’re staying in now, a few miles outside of Chicago, isn’t bad at all. They’d even planned to check out a restaurant in the city to treat themselves, but ended up eating takeout in the parking lot of their motel, watching the sun set.

Steve takes a second to look at Sam eating his fried dumplings (Steve had finished his food a few minutes ago), the sun lighting his eyes and cheekbones in a way that makes Steve miss his sketchbook. He turns quickly, before the staring gets weirder than it already is.

“Steve.”

“Yeah?”

“Iーyou can talk about it, you know. If you want to, that is.”

“Talk about what?”

“Him. Bucky.”

“What?”

Sam throws him a sideway glance and places his container on his knees. “It’s justーyou get this look on your face sometimes like you’re...holding back. I don’t want that to be because of me.”

 _What?_ “I’m notーI haven’tー”

Sam rolls his eyes. “You know I wouldn’t mind. _A_ \- I date men.” Steve barely stops himself from rolling his eyes. He’s _well aware_ that Sam dates men. It’s been on his mind since that dinner they had, before everything went to hell. “And _b_ \- everyone knows about you and Bucky. It’s basically mandatory reading in schoolーI know you know that too. So if talking about him helps remove that constipated look on your face anytime you look at meー”

“I appreciate it Sam, I really do. It’s just...if Iー” Steve swallows hard “ーif I think about it too hard, I’m gonna lose it. So it’s easier to focus on bases and missions than on anything else. Till we find him.”

They’re both quiet for a moment, and Steve hopes he hasn’t offended Sam. If there’s anyone he _would_ talk to, it would be him.

“I get it. Couldn’t talk about Riley for about a year after he died. Barely spoke to my in-laws, didn’t check in with anyone from our team.” Sam laughs a short, bitter laugh. “Didn’t even fill out any forms ‘cause I hated having to check the ‘widower’ box. I was doing anything. Anything to forget, anything to move forward. For me that meant doing nothing for a while. So, yeah. I get it.”

“Same goes for you.”

“Hmm?”

“If you ever need to talk about Riley....I’m here. I know what it feels like to have no one to talk to about someone who’s gone. Beforeー” Steve clears his throat “ーbefore I knew about the Winter Soldier, there was no one I could really talk to about Bucky. Not until they let me visit Peggy.”

“You two reminisce about the old days?” Sam asks with a smile. It doesn’t completely break the tension around them, but it steers them back into familiar, comfortable territory.

“We did.” Steve looks up at Sam briefly. “She needed to hear about him, too. She loves to talk about her ‘second best guy’.” Steve smiles to himself. That name used to drive Bucky up a wall and made Steve laugh every single time.

“Wait...what?”

Steve frowns and looks over at Sam again, who looks confused now. “Did I say something wrong?”

“Her ‘second best guy’? As in...her boyfriend?”

 _Oh Jesus_. Steve sometimes forgets what’s public knowledge and what’s notーand he forgets Sam doesn’t know _everything_ just yet. “Not exactly. Maybe. We didn’t know each other long, but if everything had worked the way we thought it was going to, we would’ve been headed in that direction.”

Sam still looks confused. “But in the booksーand everywhere elseーthe story’s that Peggy was your beard.”

Steve rolls his eyes. “ ‘Cause even in this day and age people like to pretend you can’t like more than one gender.” After a second, he adds, “And it probably didn’t fit with publishers’ narrative, did it?”

Sam sighs and shakes his head. “No. It’s a gay scandal or a gay torrid love affair, can’t be more complicated than that.” Sam picks up his iced tea and halfway through his sip he frowns again before putting his drink down. “I’m confused again. ‘Second best guy’...as in two best guys? As in two guys and a girlーa woman?”

“...yeah? I believe they call it polyamory, these days, Sam.”

It’s Sam’s turn to roll his eyes. “I know what polyamory is, Rogers. It’s justーwell, I don’t know. I guess I’m surprised. I mean, I’ve never been in that type of relationship.”

“Well neither have I. But I think it’s probably what would’ve happened.”

“So you don’tーyou’ve...loved two people at once?” Sam’s voice is oddly quiet and again, Steve hopes he hasn’t said anything that could offend him. Maybe it’s selfish to talk about your partners when they’re alive and Sam’s isn’t?

“Listen, Samー”

“No, no, it’s nothing Steve. I justーI didn’t thinkーdidn’t know that you’d...done this before.”

Steve shrugs. “It’s kind of always been like that. I mean, Buck took one look at Gabe andー”

“GabeーGabe _Jones_?”

“The one and only. The type of shit these two got up toーyou okay, Sam?” Steve tries not to laugh at the face Sam’s pulling.

“I don’t really wanna hear about the type of shit my childhood hero got up to, though I’m happy to learn he wasn’t straight.” He sighs, and his face is serious again. “I wish that one had been in the history books.”

“It’s probably a race thing.”

“It’s definitely a race thing.”

It’s quiet for a while after that, but it isn’t as tense as it was earlier. Still, Steve feels like he might’ve been inconsiderate of Sam’s feelings. And the last thing Steve wants is for Sam to become his Bucky-labelled emotional dumpster. 

“Sam?”

“Yeah?” The sun is completely down by now, but Steve still wishes he had his sketchbook. Sam looks good in this low light, too.

“I’m sorry about Riley. I really am. And ifーif that’s what you wantー” Steve fights for the words to come out “ーif it’s what you want, I hope you find...I hope you find love again.”

Sam smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “Yeah. I hope so too.”

***

“Throwing yourself a private pity party, Rogers?”

Steve’s been away from Natasha for too long to remember to hide his surprise. Oh well. He’s not in the mood to today anyways. She settles next to him on his apartment balcony, where Steve had escaped after being overwhelmed by the sheer amount of people Stark had invited to his _Steve is officially back in New York and any excuse is good for a party_ party. Steve isn’t really in a mood to celebrate, so he’d stayed with the team for an hour or so, and as soon as he could, he made his way to his apartment.

“He said he’d come around when he was ready to. You can’t be mad at that.”

“I can’t be mad, but I can be frustrated. If he says he’s fine, I know he’s fine. But he could be getting so much help here, and I wish he’d at least let me knowー” Steve shakes his head and sighs. “It’s his decision, I guess. But itーit doesn’t help me worry any less. Or make up for the six months Sam and I spent chasing him around.”

Steve lets out another sigh at the thought of Sam. Steve hasn’t seen him in a week, even though Sam was also moving back to New York. They’d decided to take a break from each other after all the time they spent in each other’s pockets, so Steve had spent a day with Sam moving boxes and furniture, but hasn’t visited Sam since. Steve misses the little routine they’d grown into, he misses the meals Sam would cook up for them whenever they had a proper kitchen. He misses the procedurals they’d binge watch together after a long day.

Without Sam around, he’s back to being completely alone. Again.

“And I’m guessing you still don’t wanna get your head out of your ass and do something about Sam?”

Steve tenses immediately. “Something wrong with Sam?”

Natasha rolls her eyes. “Something wrong with _you_. You clearly like the guy, and he likes you too. You’re no longer chasing after Barnes. What are you waiting for?”

“Iー _you_ ーwhatー”

“Stop floundering, Steven.”

“I’m not _floundering_ , Natasha. Even if Samーif Sam _liked_ me, what the hell do I have to offer him? What could I ever give him that could make up for anything he gave me?”

Before Natasha can say anything, they’re interrupted by the sound of someone clearing their throat.

“Am I, uh, interrupting something?” Sam is standing with his hands in his pockets right in front of the balcony door. Steve hopes his blush isn’t visible from where Sam’s standing.

“No. Steve’s being his ordinary self,” Natasha says smoothly. It doesn’t sound anything like the insult Steve knows it is. “I’ll leave you two to it.”

Sam moves aside to let Natasha go back inside the Tower before he joins Steve outside. They’re quiet at first, and Steve forces his body to relax. For a while, he can even pretend this is like every other night they spent together in the past six months, in comfortable silence.  

“You, ah, you settling okay?”

“Yeah. Soon enough the place’ll be ready for Belinda.”

Steve rolls his eyes. “I still can’t believe you’re actually going through with that.”

“It’s a cute name,” Sam says, shrugging. “I’ll call them Linda for short.”

“I didn’t think it was possible to, but somehow you managed to make it worse.”

Sam laughs and turns to properly face Steve. “Wanna come with me to the shelter? I’m thinking next Tuesday, but if that doesn’t work for you we can go another time.”

Warmth spreads in Steve’s chest. “I’d love to go with you. And Tuesday works for me, barring any mission.”

“Good. Thanks, Steve.” Sam bumps their shoulders together and smiles up at Steve, and the words just stumble out of his mouth.

“I missed you, Sam. I know it’s only been a week, butー”

“I know. I missed you too.”

“And I neverーI never thanked you.”

Sam’s smile disappears, but he lays a hand on Steve’s arm. “Thanked me for what?”

“Forーfor everything. For spending half a year looking for Bucky with me. Forーfor always having my back. Sam. I...” It’s hard for Steve to focus with Sam looking at him that way.

“You what, Steve?” Sam asks quietly. The words that usually stay stuck in his throat made their way up, and feel heavy on Steve’s tongue.

_I thought about you every single day we were apart._

_I think I might be in love with you._

“Iーyou mean a lot to me. I hope you know that. I need you to know that.”

Sam looks down and hesitates for a second before he wraps his arms around Steve. “I know,” he says, his soft voice muffled by Steve’s shirt. “You mean a lot to me too.”

Right here and there, away from the world and with Natasha’s words echoing in his brain, Steve thinks that he could maybe risk it. That he could maybe get the words out, that maybe, _maybe_ , things could work out.

“Sam,” he says, his voice sounding rough and low. The second he calls Sam’s name, it’s like the moment is broken. Steve feels Sam’s body stiffening, and soon enough, he moves out of the circle of Steve’s arms, clears his throat and says, “I, uh, I should go.”

All the tension that had left his body when Sam had been in his arms comes back at once, and Steve withholds a sigh. He’d probably misread the situation and completely fucked their friendship up. _Always gotta ask for too much, don’t you Rogers?_

“Alright. Do you, uh, do you wanna grab something to eat before you go? There, ah, there might be some food left downstairs.”

“I’m good, thanks,” Sam says. He pulls on his sweater with an awkwardness Steve has never seen from him and quickly steps back inside. “I’ll see you Tuesday?”

“I’ll see you Tuesday.” Steve’s not even sure Sam heard him considering how fast he was walking away.

Steve closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. When he opens them again, it’s completely dark out, but Steve stays on his balcony, unableーand unwillingーto move.

That is, until he registers movement inside.

Unless he’s losing his mind, Steve’s pretty sure the shadow in the right corner of his kitchen moved.

Steve tenses immediately and moves carefully. Once he’s inside, his right hand reaches for his shield where it’s leaning on the wall behind him, and his left reaches for the light switch. The second the light is on, Steve moves to throw the shield, but when he sees the hunched over figure and shoulder-length shaggy hair, the shield falls to the ground.

“Hey, Stevie.”

***

“Morning, Steve.”

Steve barely startles when Bucky comes up behind him in the kitchen. He’s getting good at that. “Morning, Buck.” Steve turns his head towards Bucky and kisses him hello. “How’d you sleep?”

“Eh.”

That meant not great, but not the worst either. Steve pushes down the urge to ask for details, and hands Bucky a cup of coffee instead, like he did every morning the past four months.

After the first few weeks or so, when the need to constantly be next to each other had faded a little bit, Bucky had suggested that he take up the guest room for a while. It wasn’t easy for either of them, but Bucky’s therapist had stressed how important it was for Bucky not to rely only on Steve as a measure of his well-being. And Bucky had said it was nice to have a safe place of his own where he could rest for the first time in decades, and Steve doesn’t wanna take that from him, especially considering the fact that they still napped together whenever they could.

“How ‘bout you?”

Steve smiles at the question. “Pretty good. Got any plans today?”

“Physical therapy at 10. Then lunch with Natalia. And then one or two those Disney cartoons with your pal later today.”

“You’re doing something with _Sam_?”

Bucky rolls his eyes. “You don’t have to be _that_ surprised, Steve. And you spend half your time with the guy anyway. Figured I could take up some of the other half.”

Steve doesn’t _mean_ to sound that surprised, but it’s just thatー “I thought you hatedーI mean, I thought you didn’t like Sam.”

“I like watching movies with him ‘cause he knows when to shut up. Unlike someone else I know.”

“You needed to understand the state of animation studios and capitalism to understand the brilliance of _Shrek_!”

“You know darling, I really don’t think I did. Anyways, if you can keep quiet you’re welcome to join.”

“No, you two go ahead. I’ll be fine.”

It’s not that Steve doesn’t want to see Sam. They actually see each other at least once a week to jog (though jogging through Central Park means lapping Sam isn’t as fun as it used to be). And if it wasn’t their morning jog or a mission, Steve went over to Sam’s plenty of times to cook together (for old time’s sake) or just hang out. And Steve did in fact catsit for when Sam was out of time, or, more rarely, when he was out on a date. But compared to how close they had been when they were looking for Bucky, two to three times a week seems absurd. So Steve’s glad that Bucky and Sam are hanging out, because if he’s being honest, he worries.

The thing is, even with everything that comes with processing Bucky (and Steve’s) trauma, they’re doing okay. Better than okay, even. When he and Sam were looking for Bucky, all Steve had hoped for was to find him, and make sure he was safe and sound. That Bucky was willing and able to be in a relationship was more than Steve had ever let himself hope. And though it was with new parameters and new boundaries, they just...took care of each other. It’s what they’d always done.

But who takes care of Sam?

Who takes over cooking duty when he needs it? Who helps him clean his apartment, or who changes Belinda’s litter when Sam doesn’t feel like it? Who massages Sam’s left rotator cuff when he comes home from a tedious mission? Who does Sam lean on when he falls asleep on the couch after watching one too many episodes of some procedural?

“Steve. _Steve_. You okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine, Buck.” Steve internally shakes himself. This isn’t the first time he zones out thinking about Sam, but it needs to stop. “Nothing you have to worry about.”

*

Steve closes his eyes and rubs at his temple when he hears Bucky’s voice. “Wilson, what the fuck?”

This isn’t getting easier, or any less annoying. And it’s 8:00 in the damn morning.

“What?”

“So it’s ‘rude and disgusting’ when I do it, but you can just drink _my_ juice out of the carton?”

“Uh...yeah.”

“How is that fair?”

“Life isn’t fair, Barnes. Better get used to it.”

It’s blessedly quiet for a minute, and Steve thinks that’s gonna be the end of it for today. Or for this morning at least. He has absolutely no clue when these two’s weekly movie night turned into what, in Steve’s opinion, can’t really be called a friendship. At first, Steve had been ecstatic when he realized that Sam and Bucky were developing a relationship, especially since that relationship didn’t involve him. That feels like a lifetime ago now.

Steve doesn’t know what the hell he missed, and when the switch had happened, but he probably wouldn’t care about it at all if they weren’t _constantly_ bickering about the _silliest_ shit when Steve was around.

“Barnes.” Steve rolls his eyes. _Here we go again_.

“What?”

“Want some eggs?”

“So what. You’re gonna steal my juice and not cook me some eggs?”

“Why do you think I’m asking? ‘Cause I like the sound of my own voice?”

“Well…”

Steve sighs and leaves the couch, ready to put an end to whatever little spat they had going on, but stops dead in his tracks in the kitchen.

He doesn’t hear whatever ridiculous response Sam had for Bucky, but it doesn’t matter. The second Sam’s back is turned, a slow blush makes its way across Bucky’s cheeks, and a smile Steve hasn’t seen since 1936 settles on Bucky’s lips.

Oh. _Oh_.

 _This_ is Steve what missed. He’s missed _everything_.

“Steve? You alright?”

Steve nods. “Yeah, I’m fine. Everything’sーeverything’s just fine.”

*

Steve’s not jealous. He’s _not_.

He found his traumatized, brainwashed boyfriend, and they managed to salvage their relationship. One of the best men he’s ever met is his best friend. Steve has _nothing_ to be jealous about.

It doesn’t matter that Steve knows Bucky’s into Sam.

It doesn’t matter that Steve never even had a chance to tell Sam how he feels.

None of it matters, as long as everyone’s happy.

“Hey Stevie!” Bucky calls from his bedroom. “Sam’s coming over in a few and I need a moment alone with him. That good?”

Steve puts his sketchbook down on the coffee table and forces himself to stay still, for just a second.

 _Deep, deep breaths, Rogers. As long as everyone is happy_.

“Sure.”

Bucky walks into the living room wearing his nicest pair of jeans (the ones with only two holes in them) and the pale blue sweater Natasha brought him on her last shopping trip. “How do I look?”

 _As long. As everyone. Is happy_.

“You look great, Buck.” When Bucky grins at him, guilt settles right next to irritation in the pit of his stomach.

“Good. We should talk about this later, by the way. I think you, me and Sam could reallyー” Bucky’s interrupted by Jarvis letting them know that Sam was here.

“I’ll get out of your hair,” Steve says, striding out of the room. In his haste, he leaves his sketchbookーand his phoneーin the living room, and is left with nothing but Jarvis and his thoughts to distract him.

Steve picks up his tablet and starts poking at it, only to put it down thirty seconds later, when he realizes he’s been staring at his home screen.

 _I need a moment alone with him._ What the hell is Bucky thinking? Why the hellー _get it together, Rogers_.

Steve turns to his nightstand and takes a look at the books on his nightstand he’d meant to start. Maybe he can start one right now? If the story’s interesting enough, maybe his heart rate will go back to normal, or maybe his leg is gonna stop shaking. Or maybe he should go for a jog? A jog is a good idea. But to go jogging he would need to go through the living room and see Bucky and Sam doingー

Steve hears a loud thump, and the only reason he’s not rushing out to the living room is that he hears soft laughter. Then, for a few moments, they’re completely quiet and Steve refuses to let himself think about what could be happening.

Just as he grabs a novel on his nightstand, his name is being called.

“Steve. Wanna come out for a second?”

Steve puts the book down, makes sure his attitude is under control, and heads to the living room. He doesn’t wanna see it. Doesn’t wanna see Bucky andー

“Where did Sam go?”

“Home,” Bucky says with a smile. “We have a date tomorrow.”

All the efforts Steve had made to stay calm vanish all at once when he hears the word _date_.

“Excuse me?”

Bucky’s smile disappears immediately. _So much for keeping things under control._

“What do you mean ‘excuse me’? I asked Sam out, he said yes, and we have a date tomorrow. Actually…actually I told him we should probably talk about the three of us.”

“About the three of us doing what?” Steve asks, like he doesn’t know the answer.

“About the three of us getting together. In a relationship.”

“Why in the _world_ would you do that?” Neither of them are pretending to be calm anymore. Steve knows his cheeks must be heated and chest must be getting red, the same way he can see Bucky’s hands clench and unclench by his side. He’d be worriedーhe’d _care_ ーif he wasn’t so fucking angry himself.

“Why in the world would I ask someone I like if they wanted to be with me?”

“Why would you ask him about the three of us getting together?”

“Why the fuck do you think, Steve.”

“I don’t know. I don’t know why you’d do something so fuckingー”

“So fucking what?”

“So fucking...absurd. Selfish.”

“You callin’ me selfish for asking out someone I like?”

“Not someone. Not _anyone_. Asking _Sam_.”

Bucky looks incredulous and outraged all at once. “Is this...is this something new in the 21st century where you and I don’t see other people? ‘Cause I would’ve appreciated a fuckin’ warning.”

“That’s not it. That’s not it _at all_ , Buckー”

“Then what the hell is your goddamn point, Steve? No,” Bucky says when Steve opens his mouth to interrupt. “What the fuck is your point? The way I see it, we’re three guys who care for each other. Why can’t we be three guys who care for each other _together_? So what the hell is your point, Steve? What’s your _problem_?”

“My goddamn point is that we shouldn’t be offering a relationship like that to someone if we’re not fucking ready!”

“If you’re saying I’m not ready for a relationshipー”

“Don’t put words in my mouth.”

“Then start making your words make some kind of sense. ‘Cause you haven’t given me a single good reason as to why what I’m doingーwhat Sam and I are doingーis wrong. Not one.”

“SamーSam has his own stuff going on,” Steve says. “He’s just moved to New York. And he’s is trying to manage working with the Avengers and working at the VA. And heーhe lost his husband and is still grieving andー”

“Do you like him?” Steve isn’t deceived by Bucky’s cool tone. He knows Bucky’s getting more and more agitated.

“Bucky.”

“Do. You like. Sam?”

“Me liking Sam is besides the point.”

“So again. What’s. Your. Point.”

“Youー” Steve roughly runs a hand through his hair, hoping to calm himself down. “You weren’t _there_ , Bucky. I spent months alone with Sam before you came back, and he’sーhe’s one of the most generous, giving, dedicated people I know. WeーIーI can’tーthere’s so much he _needs_ ー”

“Which is for him to let us know. And all of this would be a much bigger problem if he didn’t like meーlike _us_ ーback. Jesus, Steve, sometimes you can just be soー” Bucky cuts himself off and it takes every ounce of Steve’s self-restraint not to ask Bucky what his next word was going to be, not to let his anger flare up again as he feels it falter. “And that’s easy for you to say.”

“What’s easy for me to say?”

“It’s easy for you to say that weーthat _I_ ーdon’t get to be selfish. We’re both here, but youーyou have people who care about you. You have friends, teammates, fucking _allies_.” He looks down for a second. “You had Peg for a while before she passed. And I...I have you. I have you and I love you. But for some reason, I got to meet one other person who’s willing to be my friend. Who’s willing to be more,” Bucky’s voice cracks on that last word, and he takes a deep breath before he goes on. “I had less than nothing for 70 years, and so when I meet someone who I could make something with, I hold onto them as best as I can. Maybe it’s different for someone who already has people on their side.”

Bucky walks into the kitchen and grabs a bottle of water. Steve thinksーSteve _hopes_ ーthat’s it for now. He doesn’t think he can take any more, but Bucky has other ideas. “And don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing, even if you can’t say it out loud.”

Steve moves towards the kitchen to grab some water for himself, and sighs, letting his exasperation show. “And what am I doing, Buck?”

“Being the same dense, self-sacrificing asshole you always were.” Bucky sighs too, deflates a little, but Steve can hear some of the anger creep back in his voice. “I just don’t know what kind of guy is willing to jump out of an airplane without a parachute and not go after the guy he loves.”

That stops Steve dead in his tracks. 

“It isn’t the same. Thisーit...it isn’t...” Steve mumbles, quiet and ridiculous, ‘cause he knows it’s a lie. But it’s the only thing Steve has to cling onto now, because it feels like every wall he’d built since he and Sam had set out to find Bucky was crashing down, and it doesn’t feel particularly comfortable.

Actually, it feels fucking horrible.

“No it isn’t,” Bucky says. “One is much simpler, much better than the other. And yet.” Bucky shakes his head, then drains the bottle and tosses it in the recycling bin. “I’m gonna go shower.”

Steve stays in the middle of the living room for a few minutes, not sure what to do with himself now that his anger had turned into confusion and shame. How the fuck had it been possibleーhow the fuck had it been _easier_ ーfor Steve to walk into Nazi compounds and destroy any and everything in his path than actually confess the depths of his feelings to Sam?

 _You needed to keep yourself busy, not to linger on it too much_. 

Because the truth of the matter is, it _is_ easier to pretend. Easier to pretend he was focusing on finding Bucky, easier to pretend he was giving Sam some space, easier to pretend that he wasn’t jealous of how easily Bucky had reached out to Sam and taken a chance.

Easier to pretend that this entire time, he hadn’t been so afraid of fucking up the most meaningful relationship he had in the 21st century that he’d decided to completely avoid it instead.

Before he can even realize what he’s doing, Steve drops to the ground and lets his head fall back on the wall behind him. “God _dammit_ , Rogers. Fuck.”

“You’ve figured it out.” Steve looks up to find Bucky, still damp from his shower, in the _Live Long and Prosper_ t-shirt Sam had given him, and sweatpants.

“I’m being ridiculous.”

Bucky sits down next to him. “Yeah you are.”

“He’s still too good for me.”

“That hasn’t stopped people before. Hasn’t stopped me.”

Steve turns to look at Bucky. “So what do I do now?”

“Well the first step was to pull your head out of your ass. I think we’re there already, thank God.”

“Then?”

Bucky throws him a sideways glance. “I think it’s up to you at that point.”

Steve takes a second to think. It’s easier now that he’s past the lies he’d told himself for months on end. “He deserves a lot, andーand I wanna give it to him. I wanna...” He takes a deep breath, fights against the tightness in his throat. “I wanna be the one to give it to him. I...I love him.”

“Why don’t you tell him that?” Bucky asks softly.

Steve startles. “What, now?” Was it like in the romantic movies, where the person he was talking about had been there all along andー

“No Steve, Jesus Christ,” Bucky says when he sees Steve looking around. “Whenever you see him next.” Bucky shakes his head and stifles a yawn. “It’s getting too late for your bullshit,” he says, getting up and stretching. “I’m going to bed. We can talk about this in the morning.”

It is getting late, but Steve has some more thinking to do. A lot more thinking, actually. And not just about Sam.

“Buck?” he says, before Bucky heads to his bedroom.

“Hmm?”

“Thanks.”

Bucky bends back down, lays a hand on Steve’s jaw and kisses his forehead. “Good night, Steve.”

“Night, Buck.”

***

Steve fusses with his shirt some more, even though Bucky and Natasha had told him he looked perfect. When Sam had confirmed that he was at home and free, Steve had been excited. Now, even though he’s had a week to prepare, he’s nervous and a little ashamed.

Bucky had told him that Sam would “forgive him for being a little slow on the uptake”, but Steve wasn’t so sure. It was a real possibility that he was too lateーor that all of them had read the signs wrong, and that Sam didn’t like Steve back.

Shit. What if Sam didn’t like him back? Yeah, it would be the first time Natasha was wrong about something, but there’s a first time for everything right? _Right_?

“Usually people knock to get someone to open up, but if you’re happy standing here all night…”

Steve looks up and finds Sam with a hand on his apartment doorknob, looking tired but amused.

“Shit. Sam. Sorry.” Steve knocks, twice, then realizes how ridiculous he’s being since the door is open and Sam is right there looking at him. “Hi. Can I come in?”

“Of course you can. Want something to drink?”

“Yes, actually,” Steve says as he hangs his jacket up. “Glass of water would be great.” He’s gonna need all the help he can get.

Steve follows Sam to the kitchen and grabs his glass of water from Sam, every second that passes both comforting and anxiety-inducing. When Sam stands still next to him, watching him quietly, Steve remembers he’s the one who needs to start the conversation.

Steve puts the glass down and takes a deep breath. “Sam. I wanted to see you because I have a something I wanna talk to you about. It’s, ah, it’s long overdue, and I hope you can forgive me for that.”

Sam, who had been watching Steve the entire time, looks down. “I’m sure whatever it is is fine.”

Steve fidgets a little, then reminds himself that if this goes well, all his nervousness will be worth it. So worth it. 

“I like you Sam. As a friend and as a partner,” he says, clear and concise. He’d written everything down the night before, wanting to be straightforward and honest for Sam. “But I want more with you. I wantーI want a relationship with you. A romantic relationship. And maybe, eventually, if that’s what you wantー”

Steve stops when Sam grabs his glass and heads to the sink, sighing the heaviest sigh Steve’s heard from him. Not _exactly_ the reaction he’d been hoping for.

“Sam?”

“Were you ever gonna do something about this if it wasn’t for Bucky?”

“What?” Steve frowns. “I meanー”

“ ‘Cause from where I’m standing,” Sam says, turning his back to Steve, “you get your boy back, your boy’s interested in me and all of a suddenー”

Steve understands immediately. “You think I’m jealous.”

“No. Not _jealous_ , but...you have to see where I’m coming from, right?”

Steve does. He really fucking does, and it’s his fucking fault, which makes it all the more frustrating.

He’d love nothing more than to tell Sam that he loves himーthat he’s _in love_ with himーbut that’s a lot to put on someone. Even Steve can see that, and it’s actually part of the reason why he’d never said anything.

But he’ll be damned if he lets Sam think that thisー _any_ of thisーisn’t simply because of how amazing Sam is, and how much Steve feels for him. He might’ve been pushed by Bucky, but his feelings for Sam had been there from the second they met.

Which, Steve suddenly realizes, is exactly what Sam needs to hear.

“D’you remember that night, when we first got to New York, at Tony’s party?”

Sam nods, though his back is still to Steve.

“When I told you that I missed you, and that you meant a lot to me?”

“Yeah?”

“That night...I wanted to tell you that I had feelings for you. And that I wanted to take you out, if you’d let me.”

Sam turns to Steve now, looking a little less suspicious, but still skeptical.

“Really?”

Steve smiles, lets everything he feels but can’t say show on his face. “Yes, really. And when I told you that I hoped you found love again?”

“Uh huh?” The frown on Sam’s face was slowly but surely going away.

“I was hoping that I could be a part of that. Still am.”

“Steveー”

“And when I ran past you, when you were joggingー”

“No,” Sam breathes. Steve’s fully grinning now.

“When I lapped you, all these times, wearing this shirt that was way too tight for meー”

Sam makes a small noise, but as he moves towards Steve, he somehow trips on his own feet and stumbles, almost dropping the glass he was still holding. Steve reaches out to steady him, hears Sam mutter something that sounds like _get it together, Sam, damn it_. Steve bites his lip to stop his laughter.

“This isn’t funny, Rogers.”

“Course not. It’s adorable and genuine. Just like you.”

“Steve,” Sam says softly. “Do youーwhat are you saying?”

“I’m saying, sweetheart, that I’ve wanted to get to know you, wanted to take you out and show you a good time, wanted to be with you for a long time. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long, and I’m sorry it happened this way. I’ve gotーI’ve got things I need to work on,” Steve admits looking away for the first time. “I know that. But none of that changes the way I feel about you.”

Sam’s frown is back. “Are you sure?”

“As sure as I was when I ordered that workout shirt in a large and not in a double XL. Knew what I was hoping for then, and I know what I’m hoping for now.”

“Then…” Sam bites his lip and finally puts the glass down. “Then yes, Steve. I’d love it if you took me out,” Sam says, his eyes bright and the gap in his teeth in full view, squeezing Steve’s heart like they had the first time he saw them.

Steve reaches out to smooth the last of the frown lines on Sam’s forehead, and lets his hand slide down to caress Sam’s cheek and rest on his jaw, Sam’s eyes briefly fluttering shut at the touch.

Steve doesn’t know who moves first, and really doesn’t care, considering how close he is to finally, _finally_ kissing Sam. He leans in further, looks at Sam’s sharp cheekbones and long lashes, parts his lips just as Sam parts his andー

Gets a mouthful of hair on his tongue.

“What theーBelinda, no! Off the counter. Off the counter, you know that! Jesus Christ, Linda.” Sam looks up apologetically. “I’m so fucking sorry, Steve, God.”

The cat hair is gross, and the mood is a little ruined, but there’s absolutely nothing in this world that could put a damper on Steve’s mood right now.

“Don’t be sorry. I’m glad Belinda still likes me, even after I asked her dad out.”

Sam rolls his eyes. “You’re ridiculous.”

Steve grins at him. “I know. You make me ridiculous.”

“Oh God, please don’t tell me you’re a sappy boyfriend. I don’t think I can take it.”

“I’m sappier than your other boyfriend.”

Sam laughs as he raises an eyebrow at Steve. “Oh, is _that_ how it is?”

Steve remembers how startlingly happy he’d felt the first time he’d heard the words from Sam, how he’d hoped that somehow he could find a way to see Sam again. Looking at where they are now, it feels miraculous and inevitable at the same damn time.

Steve brings both of his arms around Sam’s back, bends down to kiss his forehead, his temple, and his cheek, before he says the words he knows Sam wants to hear, lips feather light against Sam’s.

“Uh huh. That’s how it is.”

 

 **End**.

**Author's Note:**

> ...and they lived happily ever after. :') 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed, I love comments so feel free to leave some!
> 
> Title from Thinkin bout you by Frank Ocean.
> 
> I am on [Tumblr](http://targaryenmelodrama.tumblr.com) if you wanna drop by!


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